Friday, November 21, 2014

Write down your priorities before making decisions

I've been hiding in the room upstairs and wondering if I should try to get out and see what Houston has to offer. Or stay in my comfy jammies and stare at the window some more. Both options seem like valid choices. Something weird about this shock thing is that all options and choices carry the same weight. Apparently this is common when in shock. I actually had to write down my priorities on paper the day after we found out because I had no idea how to prioritize things. It was difficult to say the least and I had to refer to Jeremy frequently. Here's my list. I still don't know if it's right or wrong but it's what we made choices by.

1. Glorify God (make his goodness show)
2. Bennet and Charla's health
3. Boys safety- us not worry
4. Boy's happiness
5. Jeremy's work
6. Nathan's cello class
7. School

Putting myself above my children was painful but to save Bennet's life I really had to. Still hard. The boys probably would have been fine at many of our choices, but they had to be where I wouldn't sit and worry about things that could go wrong or where things have gone wrong in the past. I felt better about them being near school with no long car rides and with another school mom that knew the teachers and had a friend kind enough to offer her home up for my school kids. They love the Lord and understand the situation so I felt very confident in leaving them in their family. I also knew that they respect our wishes. Very important in being able to relax.

My younger guys we left with my in-laws out of town. I didn't have many options for them. I wanted to take them most of all of course but I also knew that Jeremy would be tied to them while I was in surgery and recovered and he wanted to be with me but having no childcare so far from home it would have been almost impossible. My heart breaks everytime I think about my babies. I can feel it ripping. It's just so wrong I say in my head over and over. I feel like they are safe but as most in law situations go, they are not terribly concerned with our wishes for their care and will pretty much do whatever they want to. SHRUG. What are you going to do. I don't have the strength to fight someone willing to care for my babies for a month and a half. I just don't ask many questions and am not surprised when my questions go unanswered or avoided. Still trying to have peace with it. I have gotten to see them on Facetime once and it was good to see them playing. Until they were gone and then everything broke again.

My big boys have told me they are very happy and are trying to be helpful and good. My 3rd grader was written up by his teacher on THE DAY WE LEFT for talking in class. NICE. I am not a fan. I hope it was very loud and very disruptive rapping for him to be written up for the first time ever on such a traumatic day. Not going to send off an angry e-mail to the woman that is being more of a mother to my son than I am right now. I'll just send it in my head.

Nathan is doing his cello class that he's worked so hard for. Another teacher friend is taking him and bringing him back. The in laws did not see this is a priority and this was one motivating factor in the big boys staying with friends instead of all with them. It's important to him, therefore it's important to me. We won't always be able to afford cello lessons at this level for him and want to take advantage of lessons we've already paid for. Thinking about missing his Christmas performance. HEARTBREAK. Tears, hard to breathe. All of it.

Jeremy's work has been crazy. He had 6 days left in the semester and four classes. Through a small miracle of FMLA he has been allowed to record his lectures online and post them for students to download. He answers questions via a class Facebook group. Not working perfectly. Not ONE other professor was willing to cover his lectures or labs although he has covered their classes before. NICE. His boss is covering one class for him but no one will even unlock the lab for his students. SO mostly their class is online. Because of it being the baby and not him allowances have been made. I am truly grateful to not have to come here and be alone. My depression would know NO bounds if that were the case. Maybe I should have included my mental health on my priority list.

As for Glorifying God. I don't know if I am yet. I keep it in mind as I make choices though and have to hope if it is my intent that in the end He will be. I can't help but feel that my baby will do a far better job of this than Jeremy or I. Babies show the glory of God without an effort. I wonder if we will meet parents struggling through this battle without faith to lean on and wonder if we will be courageous enough to share our faith. I have NO idea how anyone would get through this without believing in God. No idea.

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