Thursday, November 20, 2014

One week away from home

We've been away from our home, our kids and our life for a week. We uprooted, doled out our children and left town November 12th to come to Houston to save our baby Bennet. Bennet was diagnosed with Transposition of the Great Arteries when I was 32 weeks pregnant. I was being checked by sonogram for a window in my uterus because of four prior C-sections and were referred to Dr. Robinson, a pediatric cardiologist in Lubbock, because my Dr. couldn't get good views of the heart because of position. I happened to mention offhand that my Dr. thought the left heart might not be fully formed and then I happened to mention he thought "something might be switched". He said that's what he was seeing. I was frozen, not knowing what to think. What did that mean, switched? He said it so casually, walked us out and said he would see us again , not to worry, that it was fixable and oh by the way, we would need to deliver our baby in Houston.

Houston??? That wasn't even sort of on my list of how things could possibly go wrong. My first thought was, "What will I do with my dog?". Probably not my most sane thought seeing as I have four kids that also might need tending to. Houston??? I hate Houston. Traffic, no one I know, long drive. What the hell? Houston? Surely there was someone here that could fix this little heart mix up. How bad could it be? We live in a medical mecca. I just needed a second opinion.

Came home and called my pediatrician. When I mentioned to the nurse what I was calling about oddly enough the Dr. came right to the phone. Weird. I've never gotten service that fast. I told him our diagnosis and asked if he knew someone here that could fix it. He said, "You know this is really serious, right?" Ummmm, sure, serious. Yes. NO, I had no clue how serious this was. It sounded like the title of a fancy novel. Transposition of the Great Arteries. A novel about sailing ships, and pirates and Narwhals. He said if it was his child that he would go to Houston, that no one in Lubbock would touch it. My head was spinning. There is no way I can do this.

How does one plan out what to do with four boys under the age of 10, still in school, for weeks? Do I take them? Do I do the unthinkable and leave them here? With who? Who could I ask to do MY job? Making the choice to have five children was a decision we made because we were taking care of them and doing a real bang up job if you ask us. They are adorable and sweet and GOOD boys. But they are boys and they eat a lot and have a lot going on. How does a mother leave her 1 year old baby??? I cry when I have to leave him overnight at Nanas! How do I leave for a month or more with him not understanding that I would come back.

Well we did it. We planned, our date we were required to be here was bumped up by two weeks because of my uterine window. I freaked out and we still did it. I heard God telling me that it would all come together and I wouldn't have to work that hard and he was right. People stepped forward and offered to do my job for a ridiculous amount of time and my cousin even packed for me because I would freeze and crawl under my covers every time I tried to start. Family sent a check in the mail that shocked me and made me cry. Our neighbors gave us money the same day because their church adopted us as their Christmas family. We had no where near enough of a budget to do this but God provided. It was awe inspiring and we felt so undeserving. Feel. We still feel undeserving.

So here I sit. In Houston. Hours and hours away from my kids that are doing great as best I can tell. I'm not a mother anymore. Just a woman that can't make a baby heart right. In a completely unfamiliar world. Every night I cry that I just want to go home. Mature, right? Yep.

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